a few about loss and love (it's cheesy. i don't care anymore! you few who read this are forgiving, right?):
1) England is boasting its best weather
still all I can feel is a
soarness in my gut
about you not calling me back
cause you're such a part of my London
I can't let it go.
But what a position I'm in-
not being able to turn back
or move forward
Feeling like I'm losing you
And I am.
2) grief is always shockingly familiar
but different
always
because my heart is Never prepared to grieve
only prepared to love
death and loss
unknown to it
until each time
they surround
in a furious rage
darkness falls
there's a weight
my poor heart
so I can't move.
3) Hope
I am searching
the volts of history
for proof that you loved me
that I was loved
But at every turn
meeting doubts
like ghosts
in the stacks
that haunt me.
4) each second
changes my internal landscape
bleeds
I am ripped away from the past
and thrown back into
the solitude
I got used to.
1) England is boasting its best weather
still all I can feel is a
soarness in my gut
about you not calling me back
cause you're such a part of my London
I can't let it go.
But what a position I'm in-
not being able to turn back
or move forward
Feeling like I'm losing you
And I am.
2) grief is always shockingly familiar
but different
always
because my heart is Never prepared to grieve
only prepared to love
death and loss
unknown to it
until each time
they surround
in a furious rage
darkness falls
there's a weight
my poor heart
so I can't move.
3) Hope
I am searching
the volts of history
for proof that you loved me
that I was loved
But at every turn
meeting doubts
like ghosts
in the stacks
that haunt me.
4) each second
changes my internal landscape
bleeds
I am ripped away from the past
and thrown back into
the solitude
I got used to.
posted by Steph at 22:50
4 Comments:
Half way through reading this I began to cry and found myself, for the first time EVER in my life, be angry at God (I'm sure He forgives me). I cried for two reasons. 1) You have such an incredible gift at expressing the depths of your soul in words - it was as if you had spilled the contents of your heart and soul out on a table ... unprotected and exposed. 2) I can't bare that you should be in ANY pain. I want you to have ongoing happiness where your feet don't touch the ground and your heart can't help but sing...but life so far is not including that kind of bliss on its menu. I wanted to scream to God, "Hasn't she had ENOUGH SORROW????? How much heartbreak can one soul bear???" Somehow the saying, "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" does not provide comfort until we've found another love to replace the one we've lost. Am sending all my "Auntie love" "over the pond" to you. It's a new day and I know you will make the most of it, as you always do with such strength, zeal, and wisdom WAY beyond your years. Life's a book in progress....Live it, feel it, WRITE IT...(then find a good publisher!)
Much love,
Aunt Patsy
Amen. Thank you Aunt Patsy. I agree with everything that you said (but I a not giving "Auntie love"...sorry Steph!) You now need to do what you told me you would do...please!
Stephie, I wish that there was some way to hold your heart and give it air, let it breath, and take the weight off of it. I wish that there was some way to make the world see how foolish it is to treat you so.
Try and breath. And before you give your heart to any other person, make sure that you give it to yourself. Love yourself in the same way you love others. For then you will have a most wonderful person on your side - looking out for you, the way you look out for others. And that person, even when the world comes crashing in and suffocating you, will always be there in your corner and will never leave you. And you will only be capable of an even greater love for others and for a soul mate.
I know these words are cheap and easy to type. I am so sorry.
I love you,
Uncle Paul
I wasn't sure whether to post this bit, but I'm glad I did cause all of your feedback is really helpful and supportive! Thanks so much! (By the way, no worries, I am experiencing really awesome stuff/feelings, as well-that stuff's just not as fun to write about :) and there isn't as much of a need to express it!)...More photos and stuff soon! xo
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