trip home

I knew it was true
And it didn't take long
for all these feelings
to flood me.

I knew I would lose
In order to grow
And I knew this trip home
it would break me.

I feel old and new
all mixed what I've loved
what I am starting to love
and I'm scared
and it feels like I'm losing
when standing here
I was only beginning.

I thought grieving was over
Can you be Homesick for the place where you are?
Can you miss the people you just saw today?

On our ways
Things do always change
With me here
feeling you Gone
And reliving the longing
for you
the familiar
for who for what I am.

I am shifting through memories
I am finding you there
I am feeling you never left me
You're with me
because you taught me who I am.

As I feel that you're with me
I also am feeling you go.
I am looking for you
in the living world
You're not there
so I'm looking for the next best thing
I'm looking for something that will last
to break out of my past
But I'm looking for the familiar.

It's all changed since I left
rearranged
things move forward
and it hit me like a sharp arrow
sharper as it collects my past
and whirls through time
and into my side into my soul
piercing me
and it carries Monterey and sun and London and Africa
and you and death and love and the future,
everyone I've fallen for and friends past and present and seasons and changes and health and life.
It pierces me with all the force of combined past emotional memories
and I squeal in complete and utter surrender
because I am nothing compared to my soul
and the moods of my soul
as it passes through time and place and reality
and collects imprints of it all.

I always knew I wanted
but who am I now
Who am I here and now?
when every morning there is a different brightness to the sun
I wake in different beds
reminded of different times, emotions
how strange I feel
as I remind myself time is passing so quickly
I think
I don't want to be one of time's casualties
I remind myself
of what I will do today
I remind myself of where I am
and who I am
and that it is morning here
and that I'm returning
from my trip home.