as requested

miniature pony living in Shetland named "BananaChip"

a few about loss and love (it's cheesy. i don't care anymore! you few who read this are forgiving, right?):

1) England is boasting its best weather
still all I can feel is a
soarness in my gut
about you not calling me back
cause you're such a part of my London
I can't let it go.
But what a position I'm in-
not being able to turn back
or move forward
Feeling like I'm losing you
And I am.

2) grief is always shockingly familiar
but different
always
because my heart is Never prepared to grieve
only prepared to love
death and loss
unknown to it
until each time
they surround
in a furious rage
darkness falls
there's a weight
my poor heart
so I can't move.

3) Hope
I am searching
the volts of history
for proof that you loved me
that I was loved
But at every turn
meeting doubts
like ghosts
in the stacks
that haunt me.

4) each second
changes my internal landscape
bleeds
I am ripped away from the past
and thrown back into
the solitude
I got used to.

trip home

I knew it was true
And it didn't take long
for all these feelings
to flood me.

I knew I would lose
In order to grow
And I knew this trip home
it would break me.

I feel old and new
all mixed what I've loved
what I am starting to love
and I'm scared
and it feels like I'm losing
when standing here
I was only beginning.

I thought grieving was over
Can you be Homesick for the place where you are?
Can you miss the people you just saw today?

On our ways
Things do always change
With me here
feeling you Gone
And reliving the longing
for you
the familiar
for who for what I am.

I am shifting through memories
I am finding you there
I am feeling you never left me
You're with me
because you taught me who I am.

As I feel that you're with me
I also am feeling you go.
I am looking for you
in the living world
You're not there
so I'm looking for the next best thing
I'm looking for something that will last
to break out of my past
But I'm looking for the familiar.

It's all changed since I left
rearranged
things move forward
and it hit me like a sharp arrow
sharper as it collects my past
and whirls through time
and into my side into my soul
piercing me
and it carries Monterey and sun and London and Africa
and you and death and love and the future,
everyone I've fallen for and friends past and present and seasons and changes and health and life.
It pierces me with all the force of combined past emotional memories
and I squeal in complete and utter surrender
because I am nothing compared to my soul
and the moods of my soul
as it passes through time and place and reality
and collects imprints of it all.

I always knew I wanted
but who am I now
Who am I here and now?
when every morning there is a different brightness to the sun
I wake in different beds
reminded of different times, emotions
how strange I feel
as I remind myself time is passing so quickly
I think
I don't want to be one of time's casualties
I remind myself
of what I will do today
I remind myself of where I am
and who I am
and that it is morning here
and that I'm returning
from my trip home.

WAITANGI DAY

So for Waitangi Day, New Zealand's special day, there's the Circle Line pub crawl. Think we made it to 2 maybe 3 pubs. Lots of fun, lots of drinking...supposedly culminating in a haka (traditional dance: think "Whale Rider") in front of Big Ben which I couldn't see...lots of craziness and people dressed in random costumes (see kati and friend below)...good times.

shannon, kati, jayson, jon, lucy, and me waitangi day. shannon is a rock star by the way.

winter weather

my block in feb during some wintery weather. ooh i get chills just thinking about it.

"PROM" last year...

found these pictures from last year round this time and thought they were appropriate for this blog, which is becoming progressively more random. hehe. wow, Rut, we loved those glasses, remember? I like your rendition of "the thinker"...in prom attire.

Farewell E14

I left the Docklands on Australia Day (bout 3 months now) and though I am fond of my time there, I am glad it was limited... The Docklands is a sort of souless place, full of money and men and women in monkey suits but lacking colour. I do miss the boats sometimes.

OK SO I LIED...

about updating the blog. BUT i'm not always flaky and we're back in business now. i promise. i beg you to come back! if there are any readers/viewers left, please forgivez moi! FORGIVE ME. i got caught up and the internet was unreliable, but now I am found and have wireless. wireless, my friends...stay tuned this week. I'm gonna bring it up-to-date. hold on to your seats, cowgirls...and boys.